Old memories

Today until lusa my sisters are attending Ibadah Camp. So i guess this house are gonna be a bit sunyi,and yeah,i am on the behalf of doing their house chores part. Gah,it is just about washing dishes and sweeping and tidying everything. Okay,that's all about berita semasa about my family. I can choose to join the camp,as it have been said that belia belia are very very allowed and invited to join,but no,to see my ex-ustaz, hell no i say. Hmm,i know to be acting like this is not good for the sake of kinship,but i just think the pengisian are not very interesting juga. So x payah la. Lagipun,ini Amy Zulaiha. Tahu juga kan apa akibatnya jika memaksa saya? Ceh.. berlagak banyak pompuan sorang ni hah.

When i was having my minum petang with Ma and Pa,i suudenly jump into the topic of people who are whizz in Math. Readers,i don't really like the idea of Math,and that's the common fact you should know about me. So i started to praise my friends,Peypaa.

' huu Peypaa tu x berapa suka Sains,tapi dia minat gila dengan Math. Dia tu kalau mencongak punyalah laju..'

And then,Ishmah.

' Ishmah tu pun pandai gila Math,otak dia seimbang kiri kanan,bahasa ok,nombor pun ok..'

Tiba tiba pula after that,i praise Mar. Then,Pa said this to me.

' Bapa hairan sebenarnya,kau dikelilingi oleh banyak bintang,tapi kau tidak berusaha pun untuk mengambil sinar sinar dorang. Patutnya kau belajat dengan dorang,atasi kelemahan kau...bla bla..pot pet.. '

And so many things he said  that i don't wanna write here. Penat bah. Ya,it's true that i actually feel shy to ask people about Math many times,because i am not a person who easily get Math well quickly,and i cannot deny that. It's not that i am egoistic to ask my friends,but you should know that feeling of worrying what people might say of you when you do not understand what they have thought for umpteenth times. In Shaa Allah,i will be working on it because next year i am gonna face the most important exam in my entire life,SPM bro.

Just now,i chatted with my old friend. I told her the reason i have gone to another school. SMK lagitu. Orang pun mungkin x sangka bah aq pindah pi SMK. I told her my pain. My old sadness. My friend once advised me in her writing,

' Jiwa yang terbaik akan membahagiakan semua orang. Amy,kalau kita mau hidup bahagia,kita mesti belajar untuk memaafkan dan meminta maaf dari orang. Berdendam hanya akan buat kita dan orang lain sakit.. '

Kira begitulah ayatnya. Heaven knows how many times i have tried to forgive people. But it seems that the trait is so hard to be thrown away. Today,i can say that ' okay,i am gonna forgive them..i have forgiven her..i forgave you lama sudah.. ' x apa,aq redha jak.. ' . But tomorrow, out of the blue i start to hate them back. I have to admit that i am not a person who can easily forgive people back. Maybe one day soooon i can,but i will never forget of what they have done to. No and never will.

I can't help from having the feeling of sadness and rasa lain whenever i see them in a happy selfie together. Seeing them happy crashes me inside. I should not have to think about them anymore,but the old memories keep haunting. Please bear in your mind that i am really aching now. I wanna shout but where should i? To see them again will be such an agony. I am really hurt to see them with their happy face.

I am not a happy funny girl as you might think my face is. Sometimes i really do not know who i am. I do not even know why Allah destined me to meet them before.

Some of them make me feel that i do not even want to see their face anymore. It's hard. Hapus duka lama tu bukan senang,apa lagi bila orang orang yang pernah buat aq terluka dulu,did the luka as if the luka x boleh sembuh dan seolah-olah x akan pernah sembuh.