Farewell

Tonight is the kenduri for akhir tahun 2016. Ceh. Only God and some people know what the hell i have been going through this year. Well,even this year have been acting hurtful towards me,i would still love it because without this year,i wouldn't have known how to cry for reasons and for no reason,what it feels to be cheated,and so many things.

There's another 6 days before we can say GOODBYE MR 2016. Hmm. Time flies so fast that i myself can't believe i am getting older but still not matured. In my mind,it seems like i have known what's the good and wrong but if you see my action,oh Allah people say i am still a kid. Forget it. I am not going to stuck in the zone anymore. I am gonna change,okay?

This evening i watched tons of DIY videos,haha saya sudah nampak muka si LaurDiy macam mana,so credit and thanks and kasi tabur confetti scented lavender sama si Peypaa sebab kalau bukan sebab dia dan Allah,i would never know that LaurDiy is a funny girl. Oh,and she is pretty. But her voice is too loud. Ataupun phone aku yang terover volume,aku pun tak tahu. So,blame LaurDiy and this phone speaker for being loud and noisy that evening. Haha okay tak lucu aku tahu juga. I watched the study tips,DIY memo board,bedroom decor ala2 tumblr,diary lock,makeup tutorial ( weww amy belajar makeup?? Haha,one thing that you never know about me is,I LOVE MAKEUP!!! ). I learned the suitable eye makeup for hooded or asian eyes type. ' Allah saja yang tahu betapa bencinya saya everytime people say my eyes is sepet. I hate it,ya know. I HATE IT. ' I even learned the smokey eyes. Haha,i love Tina Young,disebabkan mata kami sama jak sepet,so i think that makeup also suitable for me. Lagi pula,gue tidak buruk lorr. Kakah,this sounds more like angkat bakul sendiri.

Oh Allah. Things are gonna pressure me because i am old enough to not making 'em. Pardon me. Aku pun x tahu how to explain. Short say,Allahu yuftah alaykum to all SPM candidates. May Allah blesses you with endless hardworking and patience. I know this is gonna be a bit tough for me because yeah you know,study hard is just not my thing.

What else yah? Oh ya,i am quite eager to buat sushi and the other desserts i searched  on Google. Haha,most of the desserts i would like to try are Malay and Indian desserts. I hope i will have time to make 'em all. Especially the sushi,haha i can imagine all of my friends will notice my unique bekal. Beh. Mekirayou.

This might be my last post in this blog this year. Saya minta maaf banyak2 sama kamu yang baca ni blog,kamu manusia kah,tapak sulaiman kah,gorila kah,yang penting kalau you are the readers of this blog saya tetap minta maaf atas salah silap terutamanya keceluparan mulut ini yang sometimes pedas gila nak meninggal. Hahaha,you should know that i am writing this post in hurry,because tonight my Internet gonna end. Hehehe.

Kisses,hugs,kisses,hugs.
Semoga 2017 will be a better year for all of ya. I love you all. Babaiii.

Tahun depan

Hmm. I..just hate my situation now. O Allah,please soften grandpa's heart so i can live in his house just for one year one more time.

I don't wanna live in the hostel. Again. I am traumatized. I hate it. I despise it. I abhor it. I loathe it. I detest it. I just wanna be free to do what i wanna, i have already planning my List To Do next year,and all of this shits are really gonna ruin my plan.

I don't like the existence of my family around me,24/7 next year. It makes me even nervous or annoyed to face SPM. Hmm,this situation was the risk that Ma' used to tell me before,when i decided to leave Ranau.

I just wanna live my life happily next year. Oh please,i wanna cry right now but  i can't. O Allah,please soften his heart. I am really annoyed.

Mimpi

Hehe. I have just done my subh prayer,only after i heard Pa's voice asking us to wake up. Hmm. Memetik kata kata klate kawan aku,parook.

Before i woke up kan,i was stil dreaming. Bah,lainnya perasaan aku. Kalau aku kira kan,mimpi kali ni adalah mimpi yang kedua aku lawan cakap mama. Aduii. Dahlah dalam mimpi tadi tu aku ada cakap pasal SPMlah,jangan samakan aku dengan si Wana lah(haha kenapa si Wana boleh termasuk dalam mimpi aku ni,banyak artis Malaysia ada termasuk dalam mimpi aku tadi). Pastu mama aku x mo tengok muka aku lagi.

Allah. Please.
I am trying to love Ma' after the matured concersation we had on kemarin kemarin dulu punya evening. We cried together. I know so well that after all of this time she has been going through a lot in her life. And her story makes me hate the idea of marriage. I didn't notice that many lelaki tak guna sebenarnya wujud around me. No,no matter what happens,I WILL NOT GET MARRIED. If i get married,that means i am no longer free,i have to follow my husband's order,x boleh bertindak sesuka hati,and i don't like that. It feels like an opression.

I wanna have a better life after this. I wanna take care of my parents and let them not feeling sad or disenchanted or disappointed or apa apalah perasaan tu. I wanna tebus balik semua kesalahan i have ever done. Cukuplah selama 16 aku hidup ni aku x pernah minta maaf dengan dorang,sincerely.

Ok bai.

The coming 'programmes'

Hmm. I thought the atmosphere here is going well,peaceful,and good. O Allah,do i have to increase my maturity to enable myself to read the grown-up situation well?

I am not so worried about how am i gonna cope with this situation of my very very ehem family. Lantak doranglah,that's not my bussiness. 'House' here means my grandpa's house. O Allah,if he really wants to stick with his plan of allowing people to rent two rooms of this house,i am afraid that i might be forced to live at the hostel. Again. After what had happened to me before,i swear that i don't wanna bear with any trouble that related to HOSTEL. Oh puh-lees, i rather stay at the hotel (if i have a lotta money) than getting myself stay at the hostel next year. I admit this and i swear that

I cannot forgive myself until forever if fail my SPM.

Aisy tolonglah,aku x mo lagi tinggal asrama. Cukup cukup lah 3 tahun lebih aku hampir jadi gila. Almost went bonkers.
Aku pernah x makan 3 hari time semua orang pulang kampung,and i got berkulat macam cendawan di asrama. Aku pernah tidur lewat sebab i had to finish my laundry yang hari hari x pernah x ada tu. Macam macam lagilah annoying things yang buat aku menyampah tiap kali aku ingat balik. Tu belum lagi pasal gotong royong selepas kelas prep. Part tu memang aku despise berabis tu.

Today,i went to Sandakan just to get myself buying stationery,and of course,a cute diary book because yeah,next year i am not gonna use phone. I saw many people wore the maroon colour. Haha,aku ni kalau warna merah lembayung memang sensitif sikit. X sah tu kalau aku x tengok kali kedua kalau ada orang pakai warna maroon. I saw a young lady wore the maroon shawl. I also saw a mother wore the maroon dress with dokoh pattern. Ya ampun,Allah sajalah yang tahu berapa lama i stared at her,kept praising her dress.

Apa apa pun,i have to face 2017 as strong as i can. As matured as i have to. As smart as i should to be. Hmm. I have to study hard(in shaa Allah hehe)for the sake of SPM. Ni kali aku concerned a bit lah kiranya.

' Why are you forcing yourself? Relax Amy. You are not that kinda people before. '

' Because i cannot forgive myself until forever if i fail my SPM. '

Ceh.

2017

Well yeah. First of all,tahniah to my cousin for her success in PT3. 6A's is not bad,okay? Only orang yang biasa dapat banyak A jak tu yang x pandai bersyukur. Yalah,orang kata 'perfectionist',kan? Hah.

Maybe next year i will be a student yang mula sedar akan kepentingan konsep Make The Most Of The Minute. Nah,aku kasi bold sudah tu ayat. In Shaa Allah lah aku jadi macam tu. Aku ni jenis yang berabis time yang last minute sudah. I am not that type of hardworking student yang akan study hard to get all A's in exam,no,aku bukan jenis yang macam tu.

Kau orang mo tahu kenapa? Sebab aku rasa kalau aku selalu sangat berusaha untuk All A's in exam,aku tahu yang i will end up bored to damn at the end. Biarlah time last2 baru aku rasa 'manis' keberabisan aku tu. For me,it is so damn boring to get A's in every exam. Tu pasallah aku tabik dengan kawan2 aku yang selalu dapat A bertimbun tiap kali exam,test pun macam tu juga. Memang aku tabik lah dengan tenaga otak dorang tu. Bukan apa. Aku ni pemalaih sikit. Aku memang x reti mo selalu berabis.

' eisy,ko tei Amy,tia payah cakap. Ko tia belajar pun,banyak juga ii A. Ko tei pandai '

Honestly lah kan,everytime this kinda sentence comes out from anyone's mouth,i feel like i wanna slap them laju laju. The feelings mix. Who knows it might be an istidraj kah,that's why i don't really like it. Allah sajalah yang tahu perasaan aku ni bila orang cakap macam tu.

I hope 2017 will be a better year. It will be a selfish year. All of the time will be invested on me. On improving myself,physically,mentally,and don't forget,spiritually. I wanna be mature. Oh man,recently aku perasan yang aku ni makin harsh. Social-media-ly harsh.

What's up

Haha. I have started to get addicted about Quotev. Eventhough maybe the thing sudah lama aku saja yang ketinggalan baru keluar dari tempurung baru mencuba cuba jawap,haha it's up to you to say i am ketinggalan zaman sebab the reality is yes,i am. Almost every thing that people are up into now,akan saya ambil peduli naaaaanti(apa punya ayat ni). Bayangkan,orang tengok Kusinero Cinta this year,tapi aku pula berabis excited tengok drama tu hujung tahun depan. Pastu, lagu Human by Christina Perri yang kawan aku nyanyi time 2014,aku pula first time dengar lagu tu time hujung tahun 2015. Nah,am i weird?

Okay,berbalik pada Quotev. Haha,it seems that almost of the quizzez(betulkah imbuhan tu)are just almost accurate about me.

Quotev Questions

( aku tak ingat yang lain,so mintak maaf)

1. Which Supa Strikas will fall
     fall for you?

- Dancing Rasta,he is supportive,motivational,good dancer,responsible(IDK),dan entah apa lagi yang tertulis tu.

2. What will you do in
     Strikaland?

- Well,you might be joining them in tour,just like the boy in the episode of Beautiful Gaming.

3. What kind of person are you?

- You notice the small things. Everything is a question and answer for you. You have no limits. You are overall a very wise and curious person with a mind that never seems to rest.

4. What eye colour wolf are
     you?

- Amber eye.

5. How fake are you?

- Not at all.

6. Which rock boy band are into you?

-Gerard Way,The Chemical Romance.

7. What do guys get attracted
      to you?

- Confidence (entaaaaahla).

8. What kind of monster are
     you?

- Heartbreaking demon.

9. What is your animal spirit?

- Wolf-spirit.

10. What animal do you shift
        into?

- Fox. (jangan negetip)

11. What type of guy is
        attracted to you?

-The nerdy and geeky one.

12. Which One Direction
        will fall for you?

- Harry Styles.

13. Through his eyes.

- Cute. You have a lot admires but not there(??). And you secret admirer doesn't want you to be too good-looking*whatever!*

Itu sajalah yang aku ingat. After this,kalau aku rajin aku post juga about quizzes i have answered. Oh ya,semalam AFF Suzuki Cup sapa yang menang? Supa Strikas or Iron Tank?

Deen

Sometimes,i think that i really wanna leave everything,which are dunia-ish. Yes. I am serious.

I wanna delete my social web account. By Allah i swear,it has been making my life in peril. I am exposed to be accessible. Life in this world also has almost came to its end,so i think it's important to prepare myself for the next 'event'.

Begitulah bah tu konon. One time i can enjoy my lalai-ness,and then worrying about my faith. Pastu futur balik. Pastu menyesal balik. At the morning,i read a quote sounds,

' sinning makes you poor and regretting '

If i am not mistaken begitulah ayatnya berbunyi. Ya,memang betul pun. Okay,just anggap yang aku ni sepatutnya mula perbaiki diri sejak 3 tahun lalu. You know what? It's been a long time i haven't felt depressed. It should be a good news,right? But for me,sepertinya no. Entah. That's my developed trait sudah kali.

It is saddening and so sickening me to have people having high expectation on me just by my appearance. That's why i don't really in to the idea of wearing a wider hijab. I am scared that they would blame my big hijab when i make mistake or problem. My hijab is nothing to do with those thing bah.

I am not really the Amy Zulaiha that people used to know. I am getting futur,i suppose. I am not good as they might think. Appearance doesn't mean anything,but somehow appearance has a big influence,you know.

This is my biggest regret now. I am a bad girl. Bad person. Bad muslim. Truly a sinner from the past,and even until now. You can say that human are imperfect,but being always doing sins are not totally about 'human are imperfect',for me it's about ' being the captive in your own making desires'. Don't think that i am happy with my life,i can't be sure yet that Allah is satissfied with me or not.

The feeling of weak,headache,and drowning are all caused by myself. Yes,totally. I am making myself the slave in my own making desires. And then i tend to cari salah apa apa dan siapa saja that have made me like this. What kinda human am i?

Everyone hopes the best ending in drama,movie,story,and even for their life. So do i. I am terribly sorry to people that i have broken their heart with my vicious self of Amy Zulaiha.

' wahai sahabat,kelak apabila kau sudah berada disyurga,ingatlah aku yang masih berada dineraka. '

Tulisan bingung

Oh God. It's already December,and i just like...what? Is it true? Gah. SPM bro,SPM.

Sometimes,i even think to just find a job after SPM,because of the world condition,i mean,urgh.

You know what i mean.

Hereafter is getting near.
I know as a Moslem,it is the truth that i can't deny its existence. My friend even said that maybe in 2019,the world will come to the end. So,do you think i should work hard for my life? I mean,my study,because i think it is just sia sia.

My male friend pun pernah cakap once to my ustazah like this,

' Ustazah,macam mana dii tu kalau kami belajar di universiti,tiba tiba kiamat sudah? '

Sentap kah soalan tu?

But when i think back,sebab dunia ni hampir tamatlah,i have to make the most of it. Well yeah,i do have many wishes as the human do. Fashion sana sini. Kahwin sana sini(lol,kalau aku lelaki,takpalah juga. Oh, aku mahu kahwin juga pula tu). Aku mau jadi cikgu lagi. Macam macamlah jenis lagi lagi yang aku mahu.

Itu sajalah. Make the most of the time.